Demoniac scientists were working on a weapon to use against the Christians. This research led them to create the most dangerous and common parasite on the face of the Earth: the shoe. Hats off to mommy Mia N. at Heronbridge College for owning in excess of 120 shoes (the scale ends at 60 – picture below was spotted while picking up my son).
Many people have never learned the truth about shoes. Maybe that’s why I can hear you saying “Bullshit!” to your computer screen right now. But I’m telling you the truth. The early parasite was dubbed “moccasin” by its supporters and was “worn” commonly. In the last thousand years or so, most people were not even aware that the shoes were slowly devouring them. However another theory exists that claims the first shoes were invented when a man stepped on a pair of rabbits. Later he discovered that they kept his feet slightly warmer and thus he had invented shoes. (The Shoe Fashion and fetish started next week.)
The common shoe almost exclusively feeds on the feet of humans. About 98.1% of humans with feet will at some point be victimized by this terrible parasite. While smaller shoe “nymphs” feed on the feet of babies and toddlers, larger shoes feed on (naturally) larger feet. Since most people are unaware of their parasitic state, they go out and buy new shoes when the ones that have been feeding on them are “worn out”, although this actually means the adult shoe has reached its mature age and will soon die.
The most victimized organism by this parasite is women. The shoes secrete some unknown pheromone that makes women want to buy more shoes until she has 50 pairs sitting in her closet. She has just unknowingly set up a Shoe Den. If a Shoe Den gets too big it will merge into one and become a dreaded dance shoe!!!
Almost all shoes are bred in large “shoe farms” in China. Most of the time, these shoe farmers are forced at gun point to breed these beasts; it has been theorized that China is using the parasite to slowly take over the world. All shoes will find a “partner shoe” to feed with, and these shoes always look alike. In order to breed, shoes must live off of the most repulsive feet ever. So wash your damn feet. Once they find repulsive smelling feet, the antennae (or the sole, if antennae are not available) will stem off to form a new shoe nymph. This shoe will live off of babies and small children until it is full grown and ready to consume adult feet.